


But If You Close Your Eyes

by savannah_blue



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Blangst, Drinking, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2015-11-28
Packaged: 2018-05-03 20:27:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5305697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/savannah_blue/pseuds/savannah_blue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sebastian has been drinking a lot more lately. It all comes to a head on a Tuesday night. AU with established Seblaine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But If You Close Your Eyes

Blaine was sitting on the couch, not even pretending to read the magazine in his hands, his eyes trained on the door of their apartment. It wasn't that late, barely after eleven, but it was a Tuesday. A regular weekday. Which was followed by another just as regular weekday. Sebastian had been drinking a lot more lately, but up until now he had restricted his binges to the weekend, not letting his work be affected. Which a hangover kind of tended to do.

Blaine had tried talking about the drinking with him, of course he had. Pleading Sebastian to talk to him. Yes, Sebastian had never been the type to just enjoy quiet nights at home the way Blaine did, always wanting somewhere to go, a restless energy radiating off of him whenever he stayed inside the same four walls for too long. Blaine had hoped that moving in together with his boyfriend would change things. And it had. In the beginning. Sebastian had spent more time at home with Blaine than Blaine had even dared hope for. They would curl up on the couch to watch movies, make dinner together, have sex all over their apartment. It had been wonderful. So wonderful. And Blaine had been so happy, the doubt in his mind about Sebastian's ability to settle down quieting down.

And then Sebastian had went out with his coworkers and came home more drunk than Blaine had ever seen him. He had brushed it off the next day, saying a celebration of getting a major new client for the firm went overboard. And he had bitched about his hangover to the extent that Blaine had been sure it would be the only time he had to watch Sebastian stumble into their home at 3 am, drunk out of his mind.

The next Friday it happened again. And lonely Friday nights were soon accompanied by lonely Saturday nights, followed by watching a hungover, grumpy Sebastian slouching on the couch on Sundays. Blaine had never been the clingy boyfriend, knowing he would make Sebastian crazy if he didn't give him his space, but this was different. Blaine missed his boyfriend. It felt like he wasn't even living with the same man anymore. They didn't talk. They didn't laugh together at silly tv shows. Sebastian stayed late at the office, leaving Blaine to eat take out by himself.

And now Sebastian was out partying on a Tuesday. Blaine blinked his eyes furiously against the tears that threatened to fall. He loved Sebastian so much, but he didn't know how long he would be able to keep going like this. He felt more alone with Sebastian than he had felt when he was single and desperately waiting to find someone to share his life with. Funny, how being with the person you loved more than anything could make you feel so utterly alone. Blaine let out a humorless chuckle.

When he heard keys scraping at the lock, Sebastian no doubt struggling to fit them into the lock, Blaine hurried to shift his gaze to the magazine he was holding, pretending to be engrossed in the article about the latest relationship drama in the Kardashian family (whatever, it's not like Sebastian would notice and call him out on it).

Blaine was surprised when Sebastian stumbled over to the couch and crashed down next to him, slurring out a greeting.

”Heeey, babe.”

Blaine snapped his head to look at his boyfriend. Sebastian was looking at him with hungry eyes and Blaine furrowed his brow. They hadn't had sex in over a week and  _now_ Sebastian decided would be a good time? Sebastian leaned over to mouth at Blaine's neck and Blaine wrinkled his nose at the smell of alcohol surrounding Sebastian. He pushed at Sebastian.

”Come on, Seb. You're drunk.”

Sebastian let his hands wander over Blaine's chest, moving to straddle Blaine. ”So hot, killer. Want to fuck you so fucking hard. Been so long...”

Blaine grabbed Sebastian's hand before it could reach his crotch. Usually Sebastian just passed out as soon as he got home. Blaine wasn't sure if it was because he was drunk out of his mind or because he, even in his drunken haze, had enough respect for Blaine to realize that initiating sex in that state would not be welcomed. Blaine had always chosen to believe in the latter. Which obviously had been giving Sebastian too much credit.

”Seb, stop. You know I don't like you like this. Just go to bed.”

Sebastian ignored Blaine's protests and leaned in to kiss him, his lips pressing against Blaine's bruisingly hard. When he pulled back, he glared down at Blaine.

”Don't be such a fucking goody two shoes, B. I could have had anyone at that bar, but I came home to you. The least you could do is show some fucking interest in your boyfriend.”

Blaine recoiled at Sebastian's words. Sebastian went back to kissing his neck and a chill went down Blaine's spine. This was not his Sebastian. Sebastian may not appear the most sensitive or caring man, but Blaine knew that underneath that tough exterior was a man who would never hurt him, who always treated Blaine like he was the most precious thing in the whole world. This man, however, was trailing his hand under the waistband of Blaine's pants despite Blaine's earlier protests.

Blaine swatted Sebastian's hand away. ”Seb, I said stop! We're not doing this.”

Instead of grumbling and pulling away like Blaine expected him to, Sebastian grabbed him and pushed him down on his back, his body weight heavy on Blaine before Blaine even realized what was happening. How Sebastian managed to move so smoothly when he moments before had barely been able to walk without swaying precariously Blaine didn't know. An unexpected fear settled in Blaine's stomach. Was Sebastian just going to keep going even after Blaine told him no? He wouldn't... force himself on Blaine, would he? Blaine pushed the though away. Of course Sebastian wouldn't do anything. He may be drunk and he may be acting like a complete jackass, but he would never hurt Blaine. Right?

Sebastian had Blaine's wrists pinned down and Blaine squirmed under him, trying to free himself. Sebastian gave him a smirk. At any other time Blaine would have probably gotten all hot and bothered, but now the only thing he felt was anxious to get away.

”That's it, babe. So hot, gonna fuck that ass of yours so good.”

Blaine fought against Sebastian's hold. ”Let go of me, Seb. Seb? Seb! Let me go!”

Blaine's voice was getting shrill and he started panicking, slowly realizing that Sebastian really did intend to fuck him regardless of what Blaine said. Blaine's heart started beating furiously in his chest, fear coursing through him. His eyes were filling with tears and he tried fruitlessly kicking at his boyfriend.

When Sebastian pulled back to turn Blaine on his stomach, Blaine finally saw his chance and quickly rolled off the couch, landing on the floor with a loud thud. He scrambled up on his hands and knees and backed away from Sebastian as fast as he could. By the time Sebastian managed to lift his head from where he had crashed face first into the couch cushions and mumble out an irritated ”What the fuck?”, Blaine was already rushing into their bathroom and locking the door behind him.

He leaned against the door, trying to calm his breath and listening for any sounds indicating Sebastian was following him. When it stayed quiet, he breathed out, his frantically beating heart slowly returning to a rhythm closer to normal. He stayed leaned up against the door long after he assumed Sebastian had passed out, listening for any sounds of movement in the apartment. When he finally dared to pull away from the door he stepped up to the bathroom mirror. He looked terrified, his eyes wide and his hair a mess form where Sebastian had been pulling at it roughly.

He kept staring at the frightened boy in the mirror, not being able to reconcile what he saw with himself. After the Sadie Hawkins dance, he had swore to never be a victim again. He had taken up boxing, making sure he would be able to defend himself. He let out a choked sob. He had never expected having to defend himself from the man he loved. How could Sebastian do that to him?  _He was drunk_ , a voice in his head protested,  _he would never hurt you, it was the alcohol_ . Blaine really wanted to believe that, wanted to believe that his Sebastian wouldn't ever be capable of hurting him. And he loved him so much. And Sebastian loved him, too. And they were happy. Well, they had been happy. Couldn't they fix this? Blaine didn't want to be alone again.

Blaine lowered his gaze and caught sight of his wrist. There was bruising forming where Sebastian had gripped him too tight. Blaine stared at it, letting his finger swipe over the discoloring.  _Sebastian did that,_ he realized as the events of the night hit him with full force. His breath hitched. His boyfriend had hurt him. Had tried to... - Blaine forced himself to think the word –  _rape_ him. Blaine clenched his fists. The man passed out on the couch was not the Sebastian he loved. And he would not make excuses for him. Being drunk was no excuse. Blaine took a deep breath and lifted his gaze back to the mirror. He stared resolutely at himself. He would  _not_ be the victim again. Never again. 

**

Sebastian woke to his head pounding. His back was killing him and he swore at himself for falling asleep on the couch again. He slowly opened his eyes, grimacing as he was faced with the bright day light. He groaned and swore to himself. Considering he had been out with three of the guys from work, it was unlikely calling in sick would be believable.  _Fuck_ . Sure, most of the time he hated his work, but that didn't mean he wanted to be fired. 

He was about to stumble to his feet, hoping to make it to the office for lunch, when his eyes caught on a piece of paper on the side table. He picked it up, expecting to see an explanation from Blaine why his boyfriend had just left in the morning without waking him up. He knew that Blaine didn't like it when he went out with the guys, but come on, he didn't have to be an ass and let Sebastian miss work, did he?

When Sebastian read the few short sentences scribbled in Blaine's neat handwriting he squinted in confusion, reading and re-reading the words, sure his eyes must be fooling him.

_We're done. I want you gone by the time I get home. Leave your keys._

Sebastian stared at the words. What the fuck? Blaine couldn't just end things. In a note. In a fucking note. Without even talking to Sebastian. Sebastian was allowed to go out, for fuck's sake! And this was  _their_ apartment, Blaine couldn't just make him leave. 

Sebastian started pacing the floor. Okay, yes, maybe going out drinking in the middle of the week hadn't been his best idea, but Blaine was being completely unreasonable. You didn't end an almost four year long relationship over something like that. Blaine had always had a flair for being overly dramatic. He would just wait for Blaine to get home and they would talk it out. Once he calmed down, they could put this behind them. Yes, that's what he would do. He would fix this. All thoughts of work forgotten, Sebastian sat back down on the couch, note in hand, determined to wait for his boyfriend to get home.

By the time the rattling of keys in the lock told Sebastian that Blaine was finally home –  _finally, it was after eight, what, did Blaine want to make sure Sebastian had had enough time to pack his stuff and get out?_ \- Sebastian had showered and eaten, feeling much more human. He moved his gaze from the note in his hands to the door, reading the words for the thousandth time and clenching his fists in anger.

Blaine had barely had time to step into the apartment before Sebastian was striding over to him, waving the note still in his hand.

”What the fuck, Blaine?”

Blaine flinched when noticing Sebastian and backed right into the body standing behind him. Sebastian stared from Blaine's wide eyes to Sam standing tall behind him, looking like he was puffing out his chest as much as he could and glaring at Sebastian.

Sebastian crossed his arms defensively. ”Seriously, Blaine? You brought  _Sam_ to kick me out?”

Blaine bit his lip before squaring his shoulders and staring at Sebastian with cold eyes. ”Yes, actually. I want you to leave. Right now.”

Sebastian didn't even recognize the boy standing in front of him. How could Blaine sound so... cold? His voice turned pleading.

”Come on, Blaine, don't be like this. It's not a big deal.”

Blaine's eyes nearly bugged out of his skull at Sebastian's words and for the first time Sebastian started to really worry. What was going on?

”Not a big deal? Not a big deal!” Blaine took a breath to calm himself before he continued. ”Sebastian, I swear to god, if you don't get out right now...”

Sebastian flinched. Blaine never used his full name. He tried to sound placating, hoping to reason with Blaine. ”Look, I know you don't like it when I drink and you're right, maybe I have been drinking a bit too much lately...”

Blaine huffed, and Sebastian had to force his voice to stay calm. ”... but Blaine, you don't just break up with someone because they had a beer too much! And in a fucking note, don't you think I deserve a little more than that?”

Blaine stared at Sebastian with big eyes. His hand flew up to his mouth and he stumbled back. Sam caught him and steadied him before turning to Sebastian.

”Look, man, you should just leave, okay?”

Sebastian turned to glare at Sam. ”Maybe you're the one who should leave? This is between Blaine and me.”

Before Sebastian could continue, he was stopped in his tracks by Blaine's shaky voice.

”You don't remember?”

Sebastian furrowed his brow. A weight was forming in the pit of his stomach. Something was not right. Blaine's voice, it just sounded... so wrong.

”What do you mean?”

Blaine wrapped his arms around his stomach and he looked at Sebastian disbelievingly. ”Oh my god, you don't even remember! You were so drunk you don't even remember!”

”Remember what?” Sebastian was starting to freak out and tried to deflect. ”What, did I insult your bow tie or something?”

When Blaine clenched his teeth and and narrowed his eyes, Sebastian regretted making light of what was clearly something serious to Blaine. Blaine didn't answer and Sebastian huffed.

”Come on, Blaine, if you don't tell me, how am I supposed to know?”

Blaine's eyes turned impossibly sad and Sebastian gulped. He continued, his voice laced with desperation. ”Whatever it is, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry, Blaine. Just, talk to me?”

Sam put a comforting hand on Blaine's shoulder and whispered something in his ear. Sebastian tried not to let his irritation show. Blaine turned around to look at him and just shook his head. When he turned back to Sebastian he squared his shoulders and took a deep breath, as if to prepare for whatever he was going to say.

”You tried to...” Blaine gulped and closed his eyes before opening them and staring determinedly at Sebastian. ”You tried to rape me.”

Sebastian stared at Blaine, his mouth hanging open, sure he must have misheard. ”Sorry, what?”

Blaine glared at him. ”You came home and you were drunk and horny and I said no and you wouldn't stop.”

Sebastian furrowed his brow and shook his head. ”No, I wouldn't...”

Blaine's voice was getting high. ”I said no and you just kept going and you pinned me down and I had to push you away and I spent the whole night locked in the bathroom because I was too scared to come out.”

Sebastian let out a nervous laugh. ”Come on, Blaine, you know me, I would never...” Suddenly an image of Blaine laying under him on the couch, his wrists pinned securely over his head, flashed before Sebastian's eyes. Sebastian's eyes widened and he stared at Blaine.

”No, I...”

Another image, this one of Blaine's pleading face assaulted Sebastian's memory. That hadn't really happened, had it? It couldn't have! He would never hurt Blaine! Sebastian reached out his hand.

”No! I would never hurt you! Blaine?”

When Blaine just looked at him with sad eyes, Sebastian flinched back. His eyes flicked from Sam, who was glaring at him with more venom than he had imagined the blond boy being capable of, to Blaine, who managed to look heart broken, furious and scared, all at once.  _He_ was the reason Blaine was scared, Sebastian realized with a start. The events from the previous night were all coming back to him, that same scared look being on the forefront of all of his memories.  _Oh god, he really had tried to_ ... Sebastian clamped a hand over his mouth.

”Oh god, I think I'm going to be sick.”

He rushed to the bathroom – the bathroom Blaine had apparently been hiding in, hiding from  _him,_ _fuck_ – and retched into the toilet bowl. When he had nothing more in his stomach to throw up, he leaned his head against the edge of the toilet. When he heard hissed voices he looked up just in time to see Blaine step closer to the door.

”Are you... are you okay?”

Sebastian leaned his head back down and let out a bitter laugh. ”I tried to-to... No, I'm not okay, I'm so not okay.” Sebastian looked back up at Blaine, Blaine who even after what Sebastian had done still asked about how  _Sebastian_ was doing. ”You're too good of a person, you know that?”

Blaine furrowed his brow, not following what Sebastian was saying. Sebastian scrambled to his feet and his heart clenched painfully when Blaine hurried to step back until he was half hiding between Sam.

”God, Blaine, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!” Sebastian sounded desperate. Normally he would have never let anyone see him this vulnerable, not even Blaine and certainly not Sam, but he didn't even care. He even let the tears gathering in his eyes fall freely, not even being able to remember the last time he cried.

”I didn't mean to hurt you, B, I'm sorry. You know I would never hurt you! I was just drunk, but it won't happen again! I promise, it won't happen again, Blaine. Please.”

Sebastian looked pleadingly at Blaine. His features softened just a fraction until Sebastian mentioned the drinking. Blaine looked at him with sad eyes.

”Being drunk isn't an excuse, Sebastian. What you did... I can't...”

Sebastian wrung his hands frantically and desperately cut in. ”I can stop! I'll stop drinking!”

Blaine just shook his head. ”I don't think you will.” Before Sebastian could protest, Blaine continued in a subdued voice. ”It doesn't matter anyway. Could you just... Please, leave?”

”No, no, please, Blaine! I love you! Please, we can fix this! Whatever you want! I'll do whatever you want! I'll stop and I'll go to rehab or whatever you want!”

Blaine gave him a small, sad smile. ”I hope you do, stop. And get help. You need help, Seb. But you can't do it for me. You have to do it for yourself. And I can't...” Blaine choked back a sob. ”... I can't be there for you. I need you to leave.”

Sebastian's shoulders slumped and he felt all the fight leave his body. Blaine was right, Sebastian owed him that much. He gave a dejected nod and shuffled to the door without a word. When the door closed behind him he let out a sob and stared unseeingly in front of him. What was he supposed to do now? Without Blaine. Without the only good thing in his life.

**

Blaine was coming home from work when he startled to a stop a few feet from his door. Sitting on the floor with his head leaned against the door was Sebastian. He hadn't seen Sebastian after that night months ago when he left their apartment. He hadn't even been back to pick up his things. In fact, nobody had heard from him, as far as Blaine knew. Not that he had been asking around – well, okay, he had been asking around, he was just worried, okay? But after a few weeks he realized he had to let him go. After that he had packed away Sebastian's clothes and filled an embarrassingly large box with pictures of them along with everything in their apartment that reminded him of Sebastian. He hadn't been able to throw any of it away, but at least it was hidden at the back of his closet and only taken out on nights that Blaine felt desperately alone.

Blaine looked wearily at Sebastian, who turned his head to look at him when he heard Blaine approaching. Blaine fiddled with the strap of his messenger bag. Sebastian looked different. Healthier. Less... frustrated. Sebastian gave him an insecure smile.

”Hi, B.”

Blaine bit his lip. ”Wha-what are you doing here?”

The smile left Sebastian's face and he looked at Blaine with sad eyes. ”You're home later than you used to be.” Sebastian dug in his pockets and reached out his hand to Blaine, holding a key between his fingers. ”I realized I never gave this back to you. But I didn't feel right just going in, so I was waiting for you.”

Blaine was sure Sebastian knew that wasn't what he had meant and waited for Sebastian to continue, not moving for the key in Sebastian's hand.

Sebastian scrambled to his feet and carded his fingers through his hair, a nervous gesture Blaine had seen a thousand times before. He looked searchingly at Blaine. ”I was hoping we could talk?”

Blaine sighed and moved to open the door. ”I don't know if that's a good idea.”

Sebastian looked dejected, but pressed forward. ”Please, Blaine? I owe you an apology.”

Blaine looked at Sebastian and hesitated for a few seconds longer, before he nodded and gestured for Sebastian to follow him inside. Sebastian looked around the apartment. Blaine looked wearily at him. Sebastian's eyes fell on the ratty couch sitting in the middle of the living room.

”You have a new couch.”

Blaine let his eyes follow Sebastian's gaze. ”Yeah, the old one, I didn't want it anymore.”

Sebastian looked at Blaine. ”Because of what happened?” When Blaine gave a short nod of his head, Sebastian nodded along. ”I get it. Hey, the orange color looks great, though!”

Blaine could hear the false cheer in Sebastian's voice but appreciated his efforts. The couch was sort of hideous, but it was nice of Sebastian to pretend it wasn't. Blaine cleared his throat.

”So...”

Sebastian looked at him before reaching into his pocket and digging something out and handing it to Blaine.

”Here.”

Blaine hesitantly reached out and took the plastic chip he was handed. He turned it around in his hands, squinting his eyes to read the text on it.

”It's my six month chip.”

Blaine startled at Sebastian's voice and looked up at him. Sebastian gave him a barely there smile.

”I've been sober for six months.”

A genuine smile spread over Blaine's face at Sebastian's words. ”That's great, Seb. I'm really proud of you.”

Sebastian dropped his gaze and shuffled his feet. Blaine looked at him questioningly. Was Sebastian nervous? Confident Sebastian, who never showed a weakness?

”Thanks, B. It means a lot to hear that.” Sebastian looked back up at Blaine, his expression more open than Blaine had ever seen it. ”After... after what happened, I spent like a month on Nick's couch drunk off my ass.”

Blaine stepped closer to Sebastian. ”Hey, it's okay, you don't have to tell me.”

Sebastian looked at him. ”I want to. If you'll let me?”

Blaine gave a small nod and moved to sit at the kitchen table. Sebastian sat down opposite him, leaving the table a barrier between them. Blaine was thankful for that. Sebastian let his finger follow the grains in the wooden table top.

”And then I lost my job when I showed up drunk at the office and I had nowhere to go and no job and no _you_ and...” Sebastian let out a dry chuckle. ”I went to my dad. Can you believe it? And then I went to AA. And my dad convinced me to start seeing this therapist and she costs a shit load of money, so she must be good. And I told her everything. God, Blaine, once I started talking... I was such a mess. But I'm working really hard to get better. To feel better.”

Sebastian looked hopefully at Blaine and Blaine bit his lip, not sure what to say. ”That-that's great, Seb. I'm happy for you.”

Sebastian gave a soft smile – so different from before, Blaine noticed – before his expression turned serious.

”You know, part of the whole AA thing is making amends, right?”

When Blaine gave a weary nod, Sebastian hurried to continue, his voice taking on an urgency it had been missing until now, like he was afraid Blaine wouldn't let him finish. ”I'm, god, I'm so sorry for what I did to you, Blaine! And not just that last night. Things were bad for so long before that, I can see it now. I was such a mess and I tried to use drinking to numb my feelings and the more I drank, the worst I felt, but I just couldn't stop... And that's not an excuse, I know it's not, but I'm clean now and I'm doing better and I'm doing everything I can to be the man you deserve.”

At Sebastian's last words, Blaine flinched. Sebastian immediately noticed and hurried on. ”I don't expect you to take me back, I know I have no right to expect that. I just... You know, my dad told me we moved to Ohio when my dad couldn't watch my mom's drinking anymore. And apparently she never stopped, as far as he knows she's still somewhere in France drowning herself in booze. And I think it broke my dad's heart to leave her, but he couldn't stay with her.  _We_ couldn't stay with her.” Sebastian shrugged his shoulders. ”So, yeah, I get that you had to get out. It was the right thing to do. But I don't want to be like her! I'm trying to change. I want to change. So I was hoping that, maybe, we could at least be friends? I miss you, B. So much. I just want to be in your life, whatever way you'll have me.”

Sebastian was looking pleadingly at Blaine and Blaine looked back at him with wide eyes. Sebastian had never talked about his family before. He had never talked about any of the hard stuff. The stuff he struggled with. Blaine gave him a small smile.

”Wow, that therapist is definitely doing her job.”

Sebastian gave him a hopeful smile and Blaine frowned before he continued. ”Look, I don't know what you expect from me, I don't know if I can just...”

Sebastian reached out his hand towards Blaine, but quickly pulled back when Blaine stopped speaking mid sentence.

”Hey, I don't expect anything from you. Okay? I know I have no right to expect anything from you. And I don't even think it's a good idea for me to date anyone right now. I need to keep working on myself first. It's just... You're the best thing that's ever happened to me and I love you. And I'm not ready to give that up.”

Blaine looked at Sebastian for a long time, thoughts swirling in his head. He didn't know how they could ever move beyond the damage that had been done. He didn't know if he could trust Sebastian anymore, no matter how much he seemed to have changed. Sebastian was squirming anxiously under Blaine's gaze and Blaine's eyes softened. A part of Blaine wished he could just move on, forget about the boy sitting in front of him. But he still loved him. So much. And this Sebastian, he seemed more mature. More in touch with his feelings. So much more open. Blaine looked at him searchingly, not seeing the man who had hurt him, but the man who swore to love him and protect him and make him happy.

Blaine moved his hand until his fingertips barely brushed against Sebastian's. ”I'm not ready to give up, either.”


End file.
